April 6, 2009

No sub jobs for today, tomorrow I can not work because I'll be attending parent teacher conferences with my host teacher and going to the dentist, and no school on Friday due to the beginning of Spring Break! I already have a job for Thursday, so that just leaves finding something for Wednesday. I have to say, it is so nice to ease back into subbing. It is such a weird thing for me. I am totally fine when I know where I'll be working the night before, but waking up in the morning, getting ready like I will be working, checking the website 20 + times, and then not getting a job is completely exhausting for me. I wish I was more laid back about it and could just go with the flow, but I hate the waiting and not knowing.

I am thankful to have today to work on my portfolio, although I spent most of the morning so far watching Ace of Cakes! I love this show! After lunch I am going to start crankin' it out. I just need to finish and be done with it! For the sake of my sanity. I do not want to be a whiner and boy, have I turned into one these past 12 + weeks. I did not make any New Year's resolutions...I think, again, I was too preoccupied by this monster of a thing called, student teaching to care about bettering myself. My attitude these past months was "yes, it is going to be hard with both Tom and I not working and living off of savings and having a crap load to do, yes it is going to suck for a while, but then we'll be done!" Everything else just has not been very important, like relationships and I don't know, having fun.

Now, I can say I'll officially be done with everything by the end of this month, so I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life; how I've changed and what things have been good and what things have really sucked. I guess I am reevaluating things. I also think this could not have come at a better time than in the Spring so close to Easter. Easter is my favorite holiday. It is a time for new life, for beginnings.

I know that many many many many people have survived student teaching...I do not think that student teaching is necessarily the most difficult thing in the world. For some reason, it just brought so many things to the surface for me. For one, it requires that I make mistakes and make them with other teachers and a supervisor and 29 kids there in clear view of my mistakes. I hate to make mistakes...and I know that sounds like the most immature thing anyone could say. I know in my mind that mistakes are a part of life and it sounds so obnoxious to make such a big deal about not being perfect. I know that I am not perfect. I know in my mind the saying that making mistakes is how we learn and that when you mess up you learn and then don't repeat the same thing. BUT, I just have never been able to allow myself permission to mess up.

I get so bent out of shape and over-think so many aspects of my life and frankly, I am tired. I have kind of been going through a break down lately. Something has to change because I do not want to continue thinking the way that I think. If you could see inside my mind, you would see an old lady bent over by self-criticism. I know that this is not truly me. I am just having trouble. I am trying to squash any negative thoughts about myself as soon as I recognize them. The hard thing is that sometimes I do not even know how critical I really am of myself. Thank God I have Tom to point it out to me. SO many times he has stopped me to point it out and while I get so annoyed with him at the time, I am really thankful that he cares enough to point it out. I just want to deal with this and move on! This is an issue in my life that I have left alone for too long and it has now become a much bigger problem. I remember being hard on myself in college, but I had so many friends and had so much fun then. Living in a new city where I only know a couple of people, I think, has really brought all this out.
Well, I'm done for now with all of this self-reflection! Some of my resolutions that I have been thinking of lately:
*Start running again
*Try at least two new recipes a month
*Read at least one new book a month
*STOP CRITICIZING myself...I need to get into a little trouble! It would be good for me :) I need help with this.

that's all for now, no need to get carried away.

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