February 20, 2010

yes, i am reading a book called, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living"

"Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand." -Thomas Carlyle

I really needed to hear this. My last post was in October--the same month I started a long-term substitute position for a fifth/sixth grade classroom. I have been so overcome by worry, anxiety, stress, etc. It is probably the biggest challenge I have yet faced in life and I still do not know when it is going to end...March? June? I know, sounds so dramatic, but it is the truth. It's not just the position, but it is compounded by so many of my own issues...so many of my own insecurities and weaknesses. This position just manages to hit every one of these very raw nerves and I have found myself to be a complete mess.

Thankfully, I have/am learning and understanding some really remarkable things. Just the fact that today I managed to make a batch of granola, enjoy the Art Institute with my husband, and write this blog post is a huge accomplishment for me. Towards the end of tonight I found myself fighting once again worry and dread for tomorrow, knowing that saturday is almost over and tomorrow means one day closer to being back in the classroom. I am so fortunate to have a husband that saw right through all of this and encouraged me to take some time to read and the quotation above is what landed in my lap.

I am thankful tonight for this and thankful for what I am learning and going through because I have hope that it will all be worth it. This whole, vague description of my current state may sound so trivial to some, but I am learning to be ok with being weak--something I have always tried to avoid. I am weak. I am broken right now. I don't care how this is perceived. I am trying my best and if it is not good enough for some it is good enough for me. I am learning to have confidence and that being kind does not mean getting stepped on.